Which comes first: Confidence, or assertiveness?
This may be a bit of a chicken-or-the-egg situation. I think of it as more of a two-way dynamic: the more you invest in one, the more you build the other.
Confidence and assertive communication work together.
Evaluate yourself. Do you communicate in a confident manner? Are you passive, aggressive or assertive? Do you know the difference among them?
Let’s describe the three styles of communication and view an example of each.
Passive Communication
When we think of a passive communicator, we imagine a person who lacks self-esteem and confidence. She’s a quiet and timid person who fails to express herself to others. Passive communicators suppress their thoughts and needs, often to make someone else or themselves more comfortable. They have difficulty expressing when something is not working for them or when someone has upset them.
This approach never resolves anything. For example:
You carpool with your co-worker to work, and she is often late when it’s her turn to drive. Her lateness is beginning to affect you at work, as your supervisor has been noticing. You’ve become frustrated, but you have never addressed the situation.
Today, she arrives late again and says, “Sorry I’m late, girl. The kids held me up again.”
Your response: “It’s ok…I know it’s tough for you.”
This response is understanding and forgiving, but it also fails to address the problem. It avoids conflict and leaves no resolution.
Aggressive Communication
A stark opposite to passive communication is the aggressive kind. Aggressive communicators are honest and direct with their thoughts, but they do not take the feelings of others into consideration. They are often indicated by their shouting or threatening remarks. Here is an example:
Today your coworker arrives late again. She says, “Sorry I’m late. My daughter refused to eat breakfast today.”
Your response: “This is ridiculous! You need to do better. You’re making me late and I might lose my job! If you keep this up, we will NOT be riding together!”
Aggressive individuals like to say “I’m just telling it like it is.” But often, we mistake being aggressive for being assertive. There is a difference.
It takes a higher level of confidence to communicate through conflict in a non-threatening, respectful manner.
Assertive Communication
The truly confident woman is direct, honest, and resolute, while respecting the other person involved. Because she trusts in her ability to dissolve conflicts, she feels no need to make idle threats. She also trusts that when she speaks, people will listen. There’s no need to yell. Her response may be something like this:
Your coworker arrives late yet again and says, “I’m so sorry. I had to get gas.”
The assertive response: “I understand. Let’s talk about it later at lunch, okay?”
Then…you wait until she’s not rushing and you have her full attention during your lunch break. While making direct eye contact, you respond, “This carpool situation isn’t working for me. I’m often late and my supervisor is pressuring me about it. I can still commit to picking you up, but only if you’ll be ready at 7:45. If not, we will have to make a change. Does that work for you?”
See the difference in the three styles? The passive woman never deals with the issue, possibly out of fear of losing her friendship. But the problem remains.
The aggressive woman is overcome by anger out of fear of losing her job. She yells because she fears not being heard. She is likely to get a defensive response with no real solution. Or, if this is a consistent behavior, her coworker may brush it off as another idle threat.
But the assertive woman takes time to think through the issue. She does not react…she responds. She arranges the situation to ensure that she will be heard by the listener. She is confident she will be heard, feels important enough to express her problem, and is confident that she has a potential solution. And, she considers the other’s feelings, offering a suggestion rather than an order.
Which woman is likely to get what she wants? Which woman sounds like YOU?
Tips to Becoming More Assertive
Do you lean toward the passive end? Just because you are bold enough to speak up doesn’t mean you’re not a nice person. As you practice assertive communication, not only will you appear and sound more confident, but you will begin to feel more confident. Your confidence in your ability to express your voice will grow.
Are you a bit aggressive, always “telling it like it is”, no matter how it makes another person feel? Do you become loud and belligerent when someone upsets you? This may appear to be the confident way to handle things, but it often comes from a place of deep-seated hurt and the need to always be on guard…even when there is no real danger.
You don’t have to be mean or loud to get your point across. I challenge you to scale back a bit. Try a softer, yet firm approach. You will eventually notice that people will respect and listen to you on a level that they never had before.
When you communicate in an assertive manner, you exude the appearance of confidence, making you feel more assured as you express yourself. Similarly, as you grow in confidence, you will communicate more assertively, unafraid of holding back.
About the author: Kaity Rodriguez, MSW, LCSW, is a licensed psychotherapist and the founder of Serenity Wellness and Therapy Services, located in Fairfield, NJ. The NYU graduate specializes in treating stress and anxiety related disorders. As a former Miss New Jersey USA, Kaity also uses personal experiences, combined with solid counseling skills to coach women and girls experiencing self-esteem and confidence challenges. Click here to book a session with Kaity.